Manchester Buccaneers

Manchester prepare for new EPL series

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 10:37:03 GMT

Howdy dudes, welcome to a new series of EPL action as another summer training camp is almost over for Manchester. And we have a new kicker on our depth chart.

Sir Fergie has drafted Tott Nam middleman Michael Carrick for the excellent price of 18.6 million English dollars, which is only just over half the amount he traded for Juansebastian Veron. If he can be half as good as him, we know we have a bargain.

I'm not sure who he is going to replace in the roster. Pop says he thinks Carrick is an anchor, or at least I think that's what he said.

However, leaving the Nike Trafford Ballpark is Rude Nistelrooy, who moved to Portugalese franchise Realmadrid. He's been our top offenser for the last few series and I worry for him. I heard that they treat animals very badly and I fear he could end up being captured and having to give children rides up and down the beach for the rest of his life.

Some people say that leaves us short on offense, but we still have at least one of Wayne and Cristiano Roonaldo (depending on who wins the Death Match), Lewis Saha (who kicked France to the World Series Championship Game) and Italian-American superstar Guiseppe Rossi (who just when they thought he was out, they pulled him back in).

World Series one-quarter final preview!

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 09:58:51 GMT

We're down to the top eight World Series rosters now as we reach the one-quarter finals. First up, Germany, with the home-field advantage, faces the Argentinians in a firecracker encounter.

Germany has a 4-0-0 record in the World Series so far this year, but Pop tells me they haven't beaten a top franchise for six years. That can't be true – I'm sure they beat Team USA recently and we're the best at everything!

The man who supplies all the passes for Argentinia is quarterback Juan Roman Rick Elmay, who has as many skills as he does first names. He got an assist on a score in the one-eighth final, which Herman Crespo got despite not touching the soccerball. Now that shows skill!

In the late game of the double-header, Italy returns, having squeaked past Australia in their last game, thanks to an umpiring decision that could be described as somewhere between "generous" and "wrong". However, I don't think there's any truth that the umpire was visited by a smartly-dressed Sicilian man who left a horse's head in their locker room.

They collide with The Ukraine, who won a 12-yard kick-ball challenge after playing out a zip-zip tie with Switzerland that would still be scoreless if they continued playing until the next World Series starts next year.

Read my World Cup previews!

Sat, 17 Jun 2006 07:29:46 GMT

Howdy friends,

Sorry I haven't been around for a while, but I have just been thrilled by the Soccerball World Series. I can't believe I didn't watch it last year!

You can read my previews of the upcoming World Series games every day in British tabloid The Guardian. It's on the back page of the Sport section, entitled Soccerball. It's near a column by a woman called Delia, who keeps shouting "Let's be having you" at me across the room. Scary.

Don't worry though, I'll still be back here regularly, keeping you up to date with what's happening in the Manchester soccer franchise. Hopefully, this will be the year Sir Fergie goes!

Peggy Boys no match for Britain

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 22:10:55 GMT

Britain finished their pre-series exhibition games with a six-zip win over the Jamaican national franchise.

Peter Crouch was given a hat for the first time in his career, after kicking three scores, none of which were head-kicks, which is unheard of for the 6'7", 95lb offenser.

Frank Lampard had got the opening score, before Jermaine Taylor's negative score made it two. Then came Crouch's three, with Michael Owen getting one in the middle.

Crouch even turned down the chance to get a fourth, when he tried to kick a 12-yard spot-kick punishment into the goal in Frankfurt that Britain will be playing Paraguay in. I think he thought it would count for the next game if it went in.

So a great win, which sets "us" up perfectly for the World Cup Series even if it was against Jamaica (who incidentally are called the Peggy Boyz because they are coached by Barbara Windsor). With Crouch in such hot form, how can Britain not go home with a series of winning World Series Rings?

Britain waltz past Hungaria

Wed, 31 May 2006 22:34:06 GMT

Britain stormed to a three-to-win win over Hungaria in a World Cup Pre-Series game at the Nike Trafford Ballpark.

Britain coach Sven Eriksson played his full projected starters in the game, but because he is so much better than the EPL coaches, he decided it would improve the national franchise to put all the kickers in unusual positions.

So Jamie Carragher, the Liverpool Reds' defenseman, was deployed as a 'anchor' man, but was replaced by Owen Hargreaves, at which point the whole crowd started chanting "Hargreaves is an anchor" (or at least I think that's what they were saying).

Britain quarterback David Beckham was again the star of the show (if only he could kick for Manchester one day), creating two head-kick scores for Stevie Gerrard and John Terry. Then Peter Crouch proved that he doesn't just head-kick - he can kick-kick too. He span on a dime, before thumping a kick into the score-zone.

All in all, a great result for Britain ahead of the World Cup Series. As you know, becoming one of the supporterest people of Manchester's soccer franchise has made me root for Britain, even ahead of Team USA. Come on you Britainers... let's get those Union Jacks flying!

Manchester getting left behind

Wed, 24 May 2006 10:14:08 GMT

Manchester have fallen behind their rivals yet again in the race to be the second best roster in the EPL.

While Sir Fergie has returned to his salon for the summer to perfect his hairdryer technique, London Arsenals boss Sir Wenger has drafted his Thomas Rosicky from Czech franchise Borussia Dortmund. The Arsenals are already the second best team in the whole of Europe, so how can we compete with that? We're not even in the top 25!

Rosicky is known as the Little Mozart and I think it's a great idea for the Arsenals to get a composer on board who will help sort out the music at their new stadium, which will be named after the Chairman's mistress - The Emma Rates Stadium. Manchester has no decent music at the Nike Trafford Ballpark, so how can we sell lots of tickets?

Meanwhile, Sir Fergie has sacked the Manchester team doctor because he was making Wayne Roonaldo recover from his broken foot too quickly. I don't understand what the problem is. Apparently Sir Fergie doesn't want Roonaldo to appear in the World Cup Series, but I'm not sure why. Sir Fergie is a proud Brit and he should want Britain to have the best roster.

Get well soon, Glaz-meister

Sat, 20 May 2006 13:49:15 GMT

Super Malcolm Glazer has suffered a second stroke.

The Glaz-meister has flown to the Nike Trafford Ballpark treatment room and is currently sharing an oxygen tent with Wayne Roonaldo in a bid to keep fit.

Meanwhile, a confused and angry Wayne is demanding his money back from Dial-A-Granny, insisting that they misheard him and he didn't want an old Bucc.

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, Malc is suffering from a lack of mobility down his right side, much like Manchester when Keiron Richardson is on the roster.

London Chelseas beat Manchester yet again...

Tue, 16 May 2006 09:19:32 GMT

The London Chelseas have beaten Manchester yet again. Having pummelled us three-zip in the EPL, they have now secured a deal to draft Michael Bollack.

The Germanish middleman will earn 7 million British dollars every year, meaning that by the time you read this entry, he will have earned enough money to buy a used Jeep in London, a house in the country, or a street in Liverpool.

Sir Fergie identified Bollack as the man to replace Roy Keano for Manchester, but since he re-drafted Keano at half-time against the Glasgow-Ireland Greens, it appears that Keano is the new Keano. Bollack said that he had chosen the London Chelseas over us, presumably because they are the stronger franchise and Sir Fergie is more arrogant than Jose Mourinho, which is really saying something.

Elsewhere, the Liverpool Reds won the FA Bowl, beating home favorites the Western Hammers in a 12-yard kick-ball challenge after yet another tie in the championship game. Everyone had told me that the FA Bowl was always dull and they are right. We may as well just have the kick-ball challenge and forget about the two hours of boredom.

Manchester 1-0 Glasgow Ireland Greens

Wed, 10 May 2006 13:21:08 GMT

Sir Fergie pulled off a hed coaching coup as Manchester ended the series with a one-zip win over the Glasgow Ireland Greens.

Manchester were struggling at half-time against their opponents, who after winning the Scotch Premier League will be promoted to League 2 in England next series. At the center of everything for the Greens was former Manchester superstar Roy Keano as they dominated the game.

So Sir Fergie decided there was only one thing to do and drafted Keano back to our roster in time for the second period. We then got on top and he helped us get the win, thanks to a score from Cristiano Roonaldo, who was unbelievably left out of the Britain squad for the World Series.

It was a masterstroke from the head coach and the hope he can somehow come up with more can be the only reason he still has a job. It was great to see Keano back with us as well. Hopefully he can help us consolidate our first losers spot in the EPL next series.

The win gave the Glaz-meister a boost, after he was left reeling by the news that Manchester has traded away their last real American superstar, Timmy Howard, to the Everton Stickies. How are we going to win any championships with no Team USA mega-kickers?

Howard was philosophical about his departure, saying: "****ing ****. ********* donkey ****er."

Manchester 4-0 Charlton Addicts

Mon, 08 May 2006 11:56:30 GMT

Manchester ended their EPL post-series celebration events picking up a four-zip win over the Charlton Addicts at the Nike Trafford Ballpark.

So many things happened in the game that I don't know where to start. I will talk about them all in more detail later, but this is a rough guide to what happened:
1) Rude Nistelrooy was told he wasn't playing and stormed out, saying: "Yeah, well I don't want to play for you anyway." He then threw his teddy bear out of the buggy and flung himself to the ground (just habit every time he is near a soccer field).

2) Manchester's scores were by Lewis Saha (glancing head-kick from corner-center-ball), Cristiano Roonaldo (controlled the soccerball with his shin, ran to get it again and kicked home), Jason Euell (pronounced Ee-you-ell, getting his first score for the franchise) and Keiron Richardson (running a long way and kicking the ball very very hard).

3) The Addicts drug rehabilitation CEO Alan Curbs quit his job after 15 years of finishing in 10th spot in the EPL.

4) Coming into contact with all the Addicts' kickers from the drugs rehab program, Ferdinand Rio fell off the wagon and got the munchies halfway through the game. Luckily, the trainer always carries Jaffa Cakes in his medical kit for just such a Rio emergency.

5) Paul Scholes made it on to the Manchester roster for the first time since December. He has been on the IR claiming to suffer from double vision. It would have been much easier just to tell him that we had two Roonaldo brothers kicking for us. I know they look the same.

Manchester zip-zip The Middle Borough

Tue, 02 May 2006 17:33:49 GMT

Manchester achieved a creditable zip-zip tie with Euro finalists the Middle Borough in a post-season exhibition clash at the Nike Trafford Ballpark.

It's a pretty good result for us, considering the Middle Borough have reached the Euro Series final, where they will meet local rivals the London Arsenals, while they also kicked four scores against us earlier in the series.

Without Wayne Roonaldo, who was busy crying into his meat pie at the thought of missing the World Cup Series, Manchester looked like the kind of side we looked like when he was given a three-week suspension for sarcasm. The Middle Borough, as expected, created more score drives than we did, but could not find a scoring kick.

Manchester had the best chance to break the zip-lock, when Middle Borough defenseman Lee Cattermole picked up the soccerball and we got a 12-yard kick-ball punishment. Unfortunately, Roonaldo's injury meant that Rude Nistelrooy was back in the roster and his kick was saved by The Borough's 10-year old goaltender Bradley Jones.

London Chelseas 3, Manchester Zip

Mon, 01 May 2006 17:35:34 GMT

Manchester's EPL series came to a close with an expected heavy loss to the London Chelseas, who added the EPL Bowl Play-Off trophy to their Divisional Title.

To make matters worse, Wayne Roonaldo had to be rushed to hospital after fracturing a bone in his foot and he is going to be on the Injured Reserve list for this year's World Cup Series, which starts in six weeks. It's such a shame for him, as he was being tipped to be one of the stars of the tournament. I guess he'll just have to wait until next year's World Cup Series.

We were on parallel terms with the champion franchise for just five minutes, before Willie Gallas head-kicked in from Rude Nistelrooy range.

Joe Cole, brother of London Arsenals' cornerback Ashley, added a second score in the second period, beating four defenders with just the drop of a shoulder. While the defenders picked up the shoulder, the one-armed Cole raced on and kicked into the score-zone.

And Irishman Richard O'Carvalho ensured it was three-zip, kicking past Eddie Vandersar late on.

Manchester prepare for EPL Bowl XIII

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 10:30:31 GMT

The current divisonal series comes to an end this weekend with EPL Bowl XIII.

It's the soccer equivalent of the Super Bowl as the top two franchises go head-to-head for the chance to be the EPL Champion roster. So Manchester make the short journey across London to face the London Chelseas, who have home-field advantage.

So despite the fact, we won't finish top of the EPL standings, we have the chance to at least end the series with the play-off trophy. That would be a great finish to the Glaz-meister's first year in charge.

It will be a really tough game for us, but there's no reason we can't win. We got the win at the Nike Trafford Ballpark in the regular series and the Liverpool Reds beat them last week in the FA Bowl Conference Game. OK, so the Liverpool Reds are better than us, but I reckon we are at least good enough to only lose by one score or so.

By the way, has anyone else noticed how our winning streak has co-incided with Darren Fletcher's injury?

Glaz-meister rushed to hospital

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 08:37:53 GMT

Oh no! Super Malcolm Glazer has suffered a stroke. I desperately hope he is OK.

The gazillionaire businessman, whose dollar injection has helped Manchester finish in their highest EPL spot for years, was rushed to hospital over Easter following the attack. Rumours that it was caused by Manchester's zip-zip tie with Sunderland are so far unfounded.

But if you look closer, you can see that he is simply showing Manchester where they can improve, as his condition seems to be mirroring the roster. He is suffering from impaired speech, much like Sir Fergie after a couple of whiskys, and he lacks mobility on the right side, like Manchester when Keiron Richardson is playing.

A source revealed that the Glaz-meister was still mentally 100% there and that Manchester fans shouldn't be concerned about the illness. Because he is still alive, I've heard some Manchester fans will be wearing black armbands to the next game.

'Wayne is good for a youngster'

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 15:10:32 GMT

Wayne Roonaldo has been rewarded for his "quite good" displays this series at the end of series soccer awards in London.

The offenser has been named as the EPL's best kicker who wasn't alive for the Queen's Silver Jubilee at the end of series soccer awards.

Gordon Taylor, who is a kind of foster Dad for soccerers, said about Roonaldo: "For a young man he has got such strength and it is all allied to great skill and perception," which makes it sound like he'd be really good on the Krypton Factor.

However, Roonaldo was beaten to the prize for the best soccerer in the whole of Britain, by Steven Gerrard, who received the accolade after guiding the Liverpool Reds to third in the standings, their highest finishing spot since the EPL began.

Manchester aim to be number Juan

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 15:26:54 GMT

Manchester look like they are trying to draft one of the top kickers from Spain.

Realvilla soccerstar Roman Riquelme is a summer target for Sir Fergie as he looks to turn our roster from a distant second to a close second next series. Spanish natiolist Riquelme was incredible as he led his franchise to a one-zip loss to the London Arsenals yesterday afternoon.

Riquelme, who has his own song - "There's only Juan Roman Riquelme" - is keen on a move to the Nike Trafford Ballpark, saying: "I follow British football a lot on television. Manchester have a team crammed full of stars," although like everyone else, he could only name the Roonaldo brothers.

He added that we had "one of the historic stadiums in world football." And he's right. The Nike Trafford Ballpark has been standing for almost 15 years now, going back to when soccer was invented by Rupert Murdoch and Richard Keys in 1992.

Tott Nam 1-2 Manchester

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 17:02:14 GMT

Wayne Roonaldo kicked two scores as Manchester maintained their amazing recent win streak following the long trip to Vietnam to face Tott Nam.

There were fears that Roonaldo would not enjoy his stay in the Far East, as the hookers tend to be younger, but he kicked two no-tender scores to ensure that Manchester still have a mathematical chance of winning the EPL. Although that mathematical chance is about as likely as Wayne being able to do the math.

The first came just seven minutes in, as he slid the soccerball into the scorezone from his brother Cristiano's center. And then Young-Pyo Lee, the man Tott Nam drafted to sell shirts, showed that he is better in the Megastore than on the grass as he gave an Easter gift to Roonaldo to get the second.

But on Easter Monday, could Tott Nam come back from the dead like Jesus? Well, they kinda came alive when Jermaine Jenas stabbed in to bring the scoreboard back to two-to-one, but that's as far as they got. They did come alive again, I suppose they remained in a coma.

Afterwards, Sir Fergie said: "I heard head coach Martin Jol saying on Saturday that it was probably a good time to play us and I thought 'oh, really?'" Then he thought, "I wonder where I can get a whiskey at 8am."

Manchester zip-zip Sunderland

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 09:20:46 GMT

Manchester got a creditable tie against Sunderland on what proved to be a Good Friday for us.

Let's not forget that Sunderland is a country that can choose from over 280,000 people, whereas we have a roster of just 20 kickers. Holding them to a zip-zip tie was a good final scoreline for us. Sunderland are going to the World Cup this year and on this kind of form, bot Team Britain and USA must be worried about them.

Manchester needed some good blocks from goaltender Eddie Vandersar to stop us picking up the loss, stopping well from Lawrence Liam, while John Stead put a head-kick wide.

Afterwards, Sir Fergie said that Wayne Roonaldo, who despite the good result had his worst game of the series, was feeling the pressure of having to win the World Cup for Britain.

He said: "It's the biggest load of nonsense I've ever heard," before adding that Britain don't have a chance of winning it this year, because Sunderland must be seen as favorites after their display last night.

Sir Fergie reckoned Wayne needs a fire under him to spur him on and that might explain how the fire got started at the Nike Trafford Ballpark earlier this week.

Fire at the Ballpark!

Thu, 13 Apr 2006 12:59:32 GMT

That headline isn't a command for the anti-Glaz-meister brigade, but a news story.

A fire broke out at the Nike Trafford Ballpark in the section where the franchise is adding extra bleachers.

Reports suggest that two fire engines and a helicopter put the fire out within 45 minutes, although it would have been sooner had Wayne Roonaldo not kept it going to try to toast a couple of meat pies over the flames.

The work being carried out is to improve the atmosphere inside the ballpark. In the same way that my beloved Tampy Bay Buccaneers have a pirate ship, Manchester are also having a related item added to their stadium. I believe it is going to be a tribute to Wayne, featuring a Mr Potato Head, a poker table and a giant Women's Insitute calendar.

Glazers make plans for Manchester

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 12:36:17 GMT

The Glazers have been revealing new and exciting plans to reduce the huge debts that Manchester currently has.

For a start, ticket prices for the bleacher seats have gone up by 17%, which is a great idea. Not only does it mean we will get more money and give me the chance to get a ticket when I come over, but it will also help keep the undesirables out. And from what I hear, there are plenty of undesirables around the Manchester suburb of London.

The oldest of the Glazer triplets Joel has also revealed that he will in the future be sponsored by a series of companies and will only speak in advertising slogans from now on. So when Mancehster GM David Gill said we wanted to draft some kickers, Joel said: "Just do it". When asked about the Roonaldo brothers, he said: "They're Grrrrrrreat". And when he was asked who he meant when he talked about Gabriel Beanz, he said: "Beanz meanz Heinze".

Meanwhile, they have denied that they have any interest in changing the name of the stadium to make more money. And quite right too. The Nike Trafford Ballpark is a great name for a stadium. Why would you want to change that?

Photo Album: Roswell's Manchester Buccaneers megastore

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 18:23:14 GMT

Roswell's Manchester Buccaneers megastore

debt

gla-blue

gla-hotpants

gla-red

gla-white

malcolmsays

manchesterbuccaneers

northshallriseagain

shareholderunited

Custom List: EPL sides

Fri, 05 Aug 2005 16:06:45 GMT

EPL sides

Manchester
My beloved team! The best in the Britain league!
London Chelseas
New EPL champions from Russia
London Arsenals
Beat Manchester in the FA Super Bowl
Everton Stickies
Qualified for the European Series
Liverpool Reds
Euro Series winners after a 12-yard kick-ball challenge
The Boltonians
From a posh Bolton private school
The Middle Borough
Central London side
Tott Nam
Mainly young Vietnamese players
The Aston Holiday homes
Players get a free summer house
Charlton Addicts
Team from the outreach drugs program
Birmingham Bullets
EPL side from Alabama
Fulham Fayeds
Egyptian champions
Newcastle Stripers
Commercial side whose players play in barcodes
Blackburn Pyros
Northern prison side
Pompei Pompeys
The only ancient side still in existence
Western Bromwiches
Keiron Richardson rocks! Trade for him Sir Ferguson!
Western Hammers
From the west England town of Wales
Wigan Warriors
Rugby side
Sunderland
International team from European country of Sunderland

Custom List: Manchester features

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 17:26:59 GMT

Manchester features

Buy Manchester Buccs shirts!
Show you love Glazer with these great t-shirts
The best comments
Funniest reader remarks on this site - UPDATED!
Manchester Roster part 1
Profiles of the goaltenders and defensemen
Manchester Roster part 2
Profiles of the Middlemen and Offensers
Legends of Manchester
The best kickers in Manchester history
Contact me!
Send me your questions for Ask Roswell!

Custom List: The coolest websites!

Thu, 23 Jun 2005 19:27:35 GMT

The coolest websites!

The Prediction Site
Win money by guessing soccer score outcomes!
Glazer Family Foundation
See! The Glaz-meister IS a great man!

Custom List: American Soccer terms

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 14:00:15 GMT

American Soccer terms

Header
Head kick
Injury time
Hurt additions
Full-time
Regulation finish
Penalty
12-yard kick-ball punishment
Sending off
Naughty ejection
FA Cup final
FA Super Bowl Championship
UEFA Champions League
European Series
Premiership
EPL Divisional league
Volley
Air-kick
Own goal
Negative score
Away win
Road pointer
Losing run
No-point streak
Throw-in
Pitch