Manchester Buccaneers: Blog

Manchester prepare for new EPL series

Tue, 01 Aug 2006 10:37:03 GMT

Howdy dudes, welcome to a new series of EPL action as another summer training camp is almost over for Manchester. And we have a new kicker on our depth chart.

Sir Fergie has drafted Tott Nam middleman Michael Carrick for the excellent price of 18.6 million English dollars, which is only just over half the amount he traded for Juansebastian Veron. If he can be half as good as him, we know we have a bargain.

I'm not sure who he is going to replace in the roster. Pop says he thinks Carrick is an anchor, or at least I think that's what he said.

However, leaving the Nike Trafford Ballpark is Rude Nistelrooy, who moved to Portugalese franchise Realmadrid. He's been our top offenser for the last few series and I worry for him. I heard that they treat animals very badly and I fear he could end up being captured and having to give children rides up and down the beach for the rest of his life.

Some people say that leaves us short on offense, but we still have at least one of Wayne and Cristiano Roonaldo (depending on who wins the Death Match), Lewis Saha (who kicked France to the World Series Championship Game) and Italian-American superstar Guiseppe Rossi (who just when they thought he was out, they pulled him back in).

World Series one-quarter final preview!

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 09:58:51 GMT

We're down to the top eight World Series rosters now as we reach the one-quarter finals. First up, Germany, with the home-field advantage, faces the Argentinians in a firecracker encounter.

Germany has a 4-0-0 record in the World Series so far this year, but Pop tells me they haven't beaten a top franchise for six years. That can't be true – I'm sure they beat Team USA recently and we're the best at everything!

The man who supplies all the passes for Argentinia is quarterback Juan Roman Rick Elmay, who has as many skills as he does first names. He got an assist on a score in the one-eighth final, which Herman Crespo got despite not touching the soccerball. Now that shows skill!

In the late game of the double-header, Italy returns, having squeaked past Australia in their last game, thanks to an umpiring decision that could be described as somewhere between "generous" and "wrong". However, I don't think there's any truth that the umpire was visited by a smartly-dressed Sicilian man who left a horse's head in their locker room.

They collide with The Ukraine, who won a 12-yard kick-ball challenge after playing out a zip-zip tie with Switzerland that would still be scoreless if they continued playing until the next World Series starts next year.

Read my World Cup previews!

Sat, 17 Jun 2006 07:29:46 GMT

Howdy friends,

Sorry I haven't been around for a while, but I have just been thrilled by the Soccerball World Series. I can't believe I didn't watch it last year!

You can read my previews of the upcoming World Series games every day in British tabloid The Guardian. It's on the back page of the Sport section, entitled Soccerball. It's near a column by a woman called Delia, who keeps shouting "Let's be having you" at me across the room. Scary.

Don't worry though, I'll still be back here regularly, keeping you up to date with what's happening in the Manchester soccer franchise. Hopefully, this will be the year Sir Fergie goes!

Peggy Boys no match for Britain

Tue, 06 Jun 2006 22:10:55 GMT

Britain finished their pre-series exhibition games with a six-zip win over the Jamaican national franchise.

Peter Crouch was given a hat for the first time in his career, after kicking three scores, none of which were head-kicks, which is unheard of for the 6'7", 95lb offenser.

Frank Lampard had got the opening score, before Jermaine Taylor's negative score made it two. Then came Crouch's three, with Michael Owen getting one in the middle.

Crouch even turned down the chance to get a fourth, when he tried to kick a 12-yard spot-kick punishment into the goal in Frankfurt that Britain will be playing Paraguay in. I think he thought it would count for the next game if it went in.

So a great win, which sets "us" up perfectly for the World Cup Series even if it was against Jamaica (who incidentally are called the Peggy Boyz because they are coached by Barbara Windsor). With Crouch in such hot form, how can Britain not go home with a series of winning World Series Rings?

Britain waltz past Hungaria

Wed, 31 May 2006 22:34:06 GMT

Britain stormed to a three-to-win win over Hungaria in a World Cup Pre-Series game at the Nike Trafford Ballpark.

Britain coach Sven Eriksson played his full projected starters in the game, but because he is so much better than the EPL coaches, he decided it would improve the national franchise to put all the kickers in unusual positions.

So Jamie Carragher, the Liverpool Reds' defenseman, was deployed as a 'anchor' man, but was replaced by Owen Hargreaves, at which point the whole crowd started chanting "Hargreaves is an anchor" (or at least I think that's what they were saying).

Britain quarterback David Beckham was again the star of the show (if only he could kick for Manchester one day), creating two head-kick scores for Stevie Gerrard and John Terry. Then Peter Crouch proved that he doesn't just head-kick - he can kick-kick too. He span on a dime, before thumping a kick into the score-zone.

All in all, a great result for Britain ahead of the World Cup Series. As you know, becoming one of the supporterest people of Manchester's soccer franchise has made me root for Britain, even ahead of Team USA. Come on you Britainers... let's get those Union Jacks flying!

Manchester getting left behind

Wed, 24 May 2006 10:14:08 GMT

Manchester have fallen behind their rivals yet again in the race to be the second best roster in the EPL.

While Sir Fergie has returned to his salon for the summer to perfect his hairdryer technique, London Arsenals boss Sir Wenger has drafted his Thomas Rosicky from Czech franchise Borussia Dortmund. The Arsenals are already the second best team in the whole of Europe, so how can we compete with that? We're not even in the top 25!

Rosicky is known as the Little Mozart and I think it's a great idea for the Arsenals to get a composer on board who will help sort out the music at their new stadium, which will be named after the Chairman's mistress - The Emma Rates Stadium. Manchester has no decent music at the Nike Trafford Ballpark, so how can we sell lots of tickets?

Meanwhile, Sir Fergie has sacked the Manchester team doctor because he was making Wayne Roonaldo recover from his broken foot too quickly. I don't understand what the problem is. Apparently Sir Fergie doesn't want Roonaldo to appear in the World Cup Series, but I'm not sure why. Sir Fergie is a proud Brit and he should want Britain to have the best roster.

Get well soon, Glaz-meister

Sat, 20 May 2006 13:49:15 GMT

Super Malcolm Glazer has suffered a second stroke.

The Glaz-meister has flown to the Nike Trafford Ballpark treatment room and is currently sharing an oxygen tent with Wayne Roonaldo in a bid to keep fit.

Meanwhile, a confused and angry Wayne is demanding his money back from Dial-A-Granny, insisting that they misheard him and he didn't want an old Bucc.

As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, Malc is suffering from a lack of mobility down his right side, much like Manchester when Keiron Richardson is on the roster.

London Chelseas beat Manchester yet again...

Tue, 16 May 2006 09:19:32 GMT

The London Chelseas have beaten Manchester yet again. Having pummelled us three-zip in the EPL, they have now secured a deal to draft Michael Bollack.

The Germanish middleman will earn 7 million British dollars every year, meaning that by the time you read this entry, he will have earned enough money to buy a used Jeep in London, a house in the country, or a street in Liverpool.

Sir Fergie identified Bollack as the man to replace Roy Keano for Manchester, but since he re-drafted Keano at half-time against the Glasgow-Ireland Greens, it appears that Keano is the new Keano. Bollack said that he had chosen the London Chelseas over us, presumably because they are the stronger franchise and Sir Fergie is more arrogant than Jose Mourinho, which is really saying something.

Elsewhere, the Liverpool Reds won the FA Bowl, beating home favorites the Western Hammers in a 12-yard kick-ball challenge after yet another tie in the championship game. Everyone had told me that the FA Bowl was always dull and they are right. We may as well just have the kick-ball challenge and forget about the two hours of boredom.

Manchester 1-0 Glasgow Ireland Greens

Wed, 10 May 2006 13:21:08 GMT

Sir Fergie pulled off a hed coaching coup as Manchester ended the series with a one-zip win over the Glasgow Ireland Greens.

Manchester were struggling at half-time against their opponents, who after winning the Scotch Premier League will be promoted to League 2 in England next series. At the center of everything for the Greens was former Manchester superstar Roy Keano as they dominated the game.

So Sir Fergie decided there was only one thing to do and drafted Keano back to our roster in time for the second period. We then got on top and he helped us get the win, thanks to a score from Cristiano Roonaldo, who was unbelievably left out of the Britain squad for the World Series.

It was a masterstroke from the head coach and the hope he can somehow come up with more can be the only reason he still has a job. It was great to see Keano back with us as well. Hopefully he can help us consolidate our first losers spot in the EPL next series.

The win gave the Glaz-meister a boost, after he was left reeling by the news that Manchester has traded away their last real American superstar, Timmy Howard, to the Everton Stickies. How are we going to win any championships with no Team USA mega-kickers?

Howard was philosophical about his departure, saying: "****ing ****. ********* donkey ****er."

Manchester 4-0 Charlton Addicts

Mon, 08 May 2006 11:56:30 GMT

Manchester ended their EPL post-series celebration events picking up a four-zip win over the Charlton Addicts at the Nike Trafford Ballpark.

So many things happened in the game that I don't know where to start. I will talk about them all in more detail later, but this is a rough guide to what happened:
1) Rude Nistelrooy was told he wasn't playing and stormed out, saying: "Yeah, well I don't want to play for you anyway." He then threw his teddy bear out of the buggy and flung himself to the ground (just habit every time he is near a soccer field).

2) Manchester's scores were by Lewis Saha (glancing head-kick from corner-center-ball), Cristiano Roonaldo (controlled the soccerball with his shin, ran to get it again and kicked home), Jason Euell (pronounced Ee-you-ell, getting his first score for the franchise) and Keiron Richardson (running a long way and kicking the ball very very hard).

3) The Addicts drug rehabilitation CEO Alan Curbs quit his job after 15 years of finishing in 10th spot in the EPL.

4) Coming into contact with all the Addicts' kickers from the drugs rehab program, Ferdinand Rio fell off the wagon and got the munchies halfway through the game. Luckily, the trainer always carries Jaffa Cakes in his medical kit for just such a Rio emergency.

5) Paul Scholes made it on to the Manchester roster for the first time since December. He has been on the IR claiming to suffer from double vision. It would have been much easier just to tell him that we had two Roonaldo brothers kicking for us. I know they look the same.

Manchester zip-zip The Middle Borough

Tue, 02 May 2006 17:33:49 GMT

Manchester achieved a creditable zip-zip tie with Euro finalists the Middle Borough in a post-season exhibition clash at the Nike Trafford Ballpark.

It's a pretty good result for us, considering the Middle Borough have reached the Euro Series final, where they will meet local rivals the London Arsenals, while they also kicked four scores against us earlier in the series.

Without Wayne Roonaldo, who was busy crying into his meat pie at the thought of missing the World Cup Series, Manchester looked like the kind of side we looked like when he was given a three-week suspension for sarcasm. The Middle Borough, as expected, created more score drives than we did, but could not find a scoring kick.

Manchester had the best chance to break the zip-lock, when Middle Borough defenseman Lee Cattermole picked up the soccerball and we got a 12-yard kick-ball punishment. Unfortunately, Roonaldo's injury meant that Rude Nistelrooy was back in the roster and his kick was saved by The Borough's 10-year old goaltender Bradley Jones.

London Chelseas 3, Manchester Zip

Mon, 01 May 2006 17:35:34 GMT

Manchester's EPL series came to a close with an expected heavy loss to the London Chelseas, who added the EPL Bowl Play-Off trophy to their Divisional Title.

To make matters worse, Wayne Roonaldo had to be rushed to hospital after fracturing a bone in his foot and he is going to be on the Injured Reserve list for this year's World Cup Series, which starts in six weeks. It's such a shame for him, as he was being tipped to be one of the stars of the tournament. I guess he'll just have to wait until next year's World Cup Series.

We were on parallel terms with the champion franchise for just five minutes, before Willie Gallas head-kicked in from Rude Nistelrooy range.

Joe Cole, brother of London Arsenals' cornerback Ashley, added a second score in the second period, beating four defenders with just the drop of a shoulder. While the defenders picked up the shoulder, the one-armed Cole raced on and kicked into the score-zone.

And Irishman Richard O'Carvalho ensured it was three-zip, kicking past Eddie Vandersar late on.

Manchester prepare for EPL Bowl XIII

Fri, 28 Apr 2006 10:30:31 GMT

The current divisonal series comes to an end this weekend with EPL Bowl XIII.

It's the soccer equivalent of the Super Bowl as the top two franchises go head-to-head for the chance to be the EPL Champion roster. So Manchester make the short journey across London to face the London Chelseas, who have home-field advantage.

So despite the fact, we won't finish top of the EPL standings, we have the chance to at least end the series with the play-off trophy. That would be a great finish to the Glaz-meister's first year in charge.

It will be a really tough game for us, but there's no reason we can't win. We got the win at the Nike Trafford Ballpark in the regular series and the Liverpool Reds beat them last week in the FA Bowl Conference Game. OK, so the Liverpool Reds are better than us, but I reckon we are at least good enough to only lose by one score or so.

By the way, has anyone else noticed how our winning streak has co-incided with Darren Fletcher's injury?

Glaz-meister rushed to hospital

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 08:37:53 GMT

Oh no! Super Malcolm Glazer has suffered a stroke. I desperately hope he is OK.

The gazillionaire businessman, whose dollar injection has helped Manchester finish in their highest EPL spot for years, was rushed to hospital over Easter following the attack. Rumours that it was caused by Manchester's zip-zip tie with Sunderland are so far unfounded.

But if you look closer, you can see that he is simply showing Manchester where they can improve, as his condition seems to be mirroring the roster. He is suffering from impaired speech, much like Sir Fergie after a couple of whiskys, and he lacks mobility on the right side, like Manchester when Keiron Richardson is playing.

A source revealed that the Glaz-meister was still mentally 100% there and that Manchester fans shouldn't be concerned about the illness. Because he is still alive, I've heard some Manchester fans will be wearing black armbands to the next game.

'Wayne is good for a youngster'

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 15:10:32 GMT

Wayne Roonaldo has been rewarded for his "quite good" displays this series at the end of series soccer awards in London.

The offenser has been named as the EPL's best kicker who wasn't alive for the Queen's Silver Jubilee at the end of series soccer awards.

Gordon Taylor, who is a kind of foster Dad for soccerers, said about Roonaldo: "For a young man he has got such strength and it is all allied to great skill and perception," which makes it sound like he'd be really good on the Krypton Factor.

However, Roonaldo was beaten to the prize for the best soccerer in the whole of Britain, by Steven Gerrard, who received the accolade after guiding the Liverpool Reds to third in the standings, their highest finishing spot since the EPL began.

Manchester aim to be number Juan

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 15:26:54 GMT

Manchester look like they are trying to draft one of the top kickers from Spain.

Realvilla soccerstar Roman Riquelme is a summer target for Sir Fergie as he looks to turn our roster from a distant second to a close second next series. Spanish natiolist Riquelme was incredible as he led his franchise to a one-zip loss to the London Arsenals yesterday afternoon.

Riquelme, who has his own song - "There's only Juan Roman Riquelme" - is keen on a move to the Nike Trafford Ballpark, saying: "I follow British football a lot on television. Manchester have a team crammed full of stars," although like everyone else, he could only name the Roonaldo brothers.

He added that we had "one of the historic stadiums in world football." And he's right. The Nike Trafford Ballpark has been standing for almost 15 years now, going back to when soccer was invented by Rupert Murdoch and Richard Keys in 1992.

Tott Nam 1-2 Manchester

Tue, 18 Apr 2006 17:02:14 GMT

Wayne Roonaldo kicked two scores as Manchester maintained their amazing recent win streak following the long trip to Vietnam to face Tott Nam.

There were fears that Roonaldo would not enjoy his stay in the Far East, as the hookers tend to be younger, but he kicked two no-tender scores to ensure that Manchester still have a mathematical chance of winning the EPL. Although that mathematical chance is about as likely as Wayne being able to do the math.

The first came just seven minutes in, as he slid the soccerball into the scorezone from his brother Cristiano's center. And then Young-Pyo Lee, the man Tott Nam drafted to sell shirts, showed that he is better in the Megastore than on the grass as he gave an Easter gift to Roonaldo to get the second.

But on Easter Monday, could Tott Nam come back from the dead like Jesus? Well, they kinda came alive when Jermaine Jenas stabbed in to bring the scoreboard back to two-to-one, but that's as far as they got. They did come alive again, I suppose they remained in a coma.

Afterwards, Sir Fergie said: "I heard head coach Martin Jol saying on Saturday that it was probably a good time to play us and I thought 'oh, really?'" Then he thought, "I wonder where I can get a whiskey at 8am."

Manchester zip-zip Sunderland

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 09:20:46 GMT

Manchester got a creditable tie against Sunderland on what proved to be a Good Friday for us.

Let's not forget that Sunderland is a country that can choose from over 280,000 people, whereas we have a roster of just 20 kickers. Holding them to a zip-zip tie was a good final scoreline for us. Sunderland are going to the World Cup this year and on this kind of form, bot Team Britain and USA must be worried about them.

Manchester needed some good blocks from goaltender Eddie Vandersar to stop us picking up the loss, stopping well from Lawrence Liam, while John Stead put a head-kick wide.

Afterwards, Sir Fergie said that Wayne Roonaldo, who despite the good result had his worst game of the series, was feeling the pressure of having to win the World Cup for Britain.

He said: "It's the biggest load of nonsense I've ever heard," before adding that Britain don't have a chance of winning it this year, because Sunderland must be seen as favorites after their display last night.

Sir Fergie reckoned Wayne needs a fire under him to spur him on and that might explain how the fire got started at the Nike Trafford Ballpark earlier this week.

Fire at the Ballpark!

Thu, 13 Apr 2006 12:59:32 GMT

That headline isn't a command for the anti-Glaz-meister brigade, but a news story.

A fire broke out at the Nike Trafford Ballpark in the section where the franchise is adding extra bleachers.

Reports suggest that two fire engines and a helicopter put the fire out within 45 minutes, although it would have been sooner had Wayne Roonaldo not kept it going to try to toast a couple of meat pies over the flames.

The work being carried out is to improve the atmosphere inside the ballpark. In the same way that my beloved Tampy Bay Buccaneers have a pirate ship, Manchester are also having a related item added to their stadium. I believe it is going to be a tribute to Wayne, featuring a Mr Potato Head, a poker table and a giant Women's Insitute calendar.

Glazers make plans for Manchester

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 12:36:17 GMT

The Glazers have been revealing new and exciting plans to reduce the huge debts that Manchester currently has.

For a start, ticket prices for the bleacher seats have gone up by 17%, which is a great idea. Not only does it mean we will get more money and give me the chance to get a ticket when I come over, but it will also help keep the undesirables out. And from what I hear, there are plenty of undesirables around the Manchester suburb of London.

The oldest of the Glazer triplets Joel has also revealed that he will in the future be sponsored by a series of companies and will only speak in advertising slogans from now on. So when Mancehster GM David Gill said we wanted to draft some kickers, Joel said: "Just do it". When asked about the Roonaldo brothers, he said: "They're Grrrrrrreat". And when he was asked who he meant when he talked about Gabriel Beanz, he said: "Beanz meanz Heinze".

Meanwhile, they have denied that they have any interest in changing the name of the stadium to make more money. And quite right too. The Nike Trafford Ballpark is a great name for a stadium. Why would you want to change that?

Manchester 2-0 London Arsenals

Mon, 10 Apr 2006 10:01:28 GMT

Manchester got their biggest win of the season, out-scoring the London Arsenals two-zip at the Nike Trafford Ballpark.

Wayne Roonaldo got the all-important first score, foot-catching the soccerball and rifling home, which was good for him as he had $100 at 10-1 that he would do that.

And then Ji-Sung Park notched his first EPL score, matching his achievement of managing to shift those 10,000 replica jerseys with the name "Keano" on the back.

It could have been even better for us, as Wayne almost grabbed another score, but was denied by a great save by the London Arsenals' Irish goaltender Col O'Toure.

It takes us just three wins behind the London Chelseas and Sir Fergie is now insistent that we can still win the EPL. He then went on to say that he'd had a lot of whiskey and that the interviewer was his best friend, before thumping him.

Manchester complete big money deal!

Thu, 06 Apr 2006 13:42:47 GMT

Manchester has found a new jersey logo-mate after Super Malcolm Glazer did a deal with AIG worth $56 million English dollars.

AIG, which stands for Argiculturally Intergrated Grocers, who sell radishes and trombones, will adorn the front of Manchester's famous uniform for the next four years - the red home jersey, the white road one, the black third-clash one and the grey invisible one.

The deal is the biggest in the history of British football, which stretches back over 14 long years! It beats the London Chelseas' $50m deal with Samsung, the Liverpool Reds' $40m Carlsberg deal ("The Liverpool Reds don't play attractive soccer, but if we did, it'd be the best attractive soccer in the whole of Liverpool.") or Tott Nam's deal with Thomson, for which they got a package holiday to Ibiza and an STD.

This is great news! The Glaz-meister has already got us beating the London Chelseas off the gridiron. I wonder whether he can now do it in the EPL as well.

The Boltonians 1-2 Manchester

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 13:33:32 GMT

Manchester achieved a loss-to-win turnaround as we battled past posh public school the Boltonians two-to-one.

Lewis Saha was preferred in the starting roster to Rude Nistelrooy, but it was the Hollandish offenser that had the last laugh as he achieved a replacement win-getting score. Actually, the Manchester fans had the last laugh as they made the long trip down south to the Nike Trafford Ballpark watching episodes of Friends on their bus.

Sir Fergie now says he has asked questions of the London Chelseas. I'm not entirely sure what the question is, but I'm fairly sure that it is: "How the hell have you become more unpopular than we are?"

Yet earlier, it had all looked like it would go wrong as Wayne Roonaldo stretched his missing an open-score-zone streak to two games, before Kevin Davies got the opening score for the Boltonians.

Davies, the only offenser on an EPL roster because of his tackling abilities, slipped the soccerball through Ferdinand Rio's legs - which in England is called a nutmeg, "nut" meaning your private bits and "meg" meaning under - and then Eddie Vandersar dived the wrong way when he attempted to save the kick.

But Lewis Saha soon restored our level-ness, as he ran on to Michael Silvester's yardstick pass and hit a bender around the Boltonians goaltender, who coming from a public school is fairly used to dealing with benders, but he could do nothing about this one.

And as it looked like going into overtime, Nistelrooy came off the sidelines to knock the ball into an un-tended score-zone from Lewis Saha's center to give us the win.

Manchester 1-0 Western Hammers

Thu, 30 Mar 2006 13:39:39 GMT

Manchester extended their EPL win-streak to seven with a one-to-zip win over the Western Hammers.

I have been telling Sir Fergie for ages, Rude Nistelrooy has to be in the starting roster ahead of Lewis Saha as he is clearly the better kicker and he responded with the sole score. I'm glad that Sir Fergie is finally listening to what I think - being one of the longest-standing Manchester fans around.

Rude smashed Ji-Sung Park's lateral into the bottom corner from the eight yard line inside the two-minute warning at the end of the second quarter to give us the win and move us to within three games of the London Chelseas.

The Western Hammers had very few drives where they got close to a parallel score and they looked very tired after their long drive from their stadium in the town of Wales.

After the game, Sir Fergie said that on paper this was a very tough game and he was glad to get the win. But seeing they play on grass not paper, I'm not really sure what his point is.

Manchester 3-0 Birmingham Bullets

Mon, 27 Mar 2006 19:47:28 GMT

Manchester limped to a poor result against the Birmingham Bullets but did just enough to scrape the win at the Nike Trafford Ballpark.

The Bullets conceded 7 (SEVEN) scores against the Liverpool Reds last week, yet in an own-stadium game, we managed a pitiful 3 and it is a worry just how bad the form we are showing actually is as we aim for that all important first-losers spot.

Ryan Giggs was the only man playing to his best here as he kicked two scores, although the first owed a great deal to both luck and the ineptitude of the Bullets' goaltender. Just two minutse after the opening kick-off, he took a 20-yard dead-kick scenario and bent it like Beckham. Unfortunately, Beckham is a better kicker and Giggs only hit the vertical bar, but it bounced back, hit the 'tender and dribbled into the score-zone.

He then got a goal that the will go to the Flowing Goals Panel, rather than the Dubious Goals one. Starting the drive in the left wide-out position, he swapped kicks with Wayne Roonaldo (in a good way) and stroked the soccerball neatly into the bottom corner.

Roonaldo then hashed two easy, easy offenser-on-goaltender mano-a-mano score-chances, before finally succeeding with one late in the game.

So, yes we won, but it was hardly impressive. By the way, earlier I said only Giggs played to his best. Well, that's not actually true. Shea also played as well as he could. He was still terrible, but that's as good as it gets for him.

Rude stepping down a level

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 10:31:05 GMT

Rude Nistelrooy is expected to take a step down from top class soccer by being traded to Intermediate Milan.

The offenser has seen his productivity slide in the last month since being cut from the starting roster for the last four games. Before that, the best Milan franchise AC (standing for Awesome Champion Milan) were interested in drafting the Hollandish man, but his form has now been downgraded to intermediate.

It could be worse. He could have been doing so badly that the worst of the Milan franchises - Beginners Milan - wanted him.

The Intermediate Milan GM revealed that he actually wanted London Arsenals offenser Thierry Henry, but he was happy in London, whereas Rude is not happy at all living in London. I think that's a bit mean, taking advantage of Rude's depression by tempting him with comfort food like pizza and ice cream.

Western Bromwiches 1-2 Manchester

Sun, 19 Mar 2006 20:33:34 GMT

Manchester moved to within five wins of the London Chelseas after we edged a tight fame against the Western Bromwiches.

Lewis Saha kicked both our scores, one with a head-kick, to keep us on track after again being preferred to Rude Nistelrooy as left-offenser next to Wayne Roonaldo.

First, Saha ran a great route to lose his one-to-one defenseman and leapt high to backwards head the soccerball high into the score-zone.

In the second period, he then won a foot race with a Bromwiches middle-defenseman and notched an outer-shoe score.

But Nathan Ellington, who is nicknamed the Duke because he is married to the Queen's niece, got a head-kick of his own, but Manchester showed excellent clock control to allow the time to run down.

It was a big, big win for us as the London Chelseas' shock loss following the long trip to Egypt to kick against the Fulham Fayeds gives us the chance of finishing at least "quite close" to the EPL champion franchise.

The Chelseas thought they had earned themselves a tie when Frenchman Didier Drogba rolled in a tender-less score, but the referee took excellent advantage of the new X-Ray technology available to the line-judges and the score was wiped out on a challenge.

Wayne and Wal-Mart - a perfect match

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 15:39:21 GMT

Wayne Roonaldo is due to be the face of Asda, a part of Mega-American store Wal-Mart.

Roonaldo and his girlfriend Coleen McLoughlin will be paid 3.5 million English dollars for the deal, along with as many Ginsters products as he can fit into a shopping cart in one minute.

Asda's commercials show 55-year-old women tapping their rear end, so you can see why Wayne was interested in the job.

Manchester 2-0 Newcastle Stripers

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 17:36:53 GMT

Manchester gave a display of some of the worst score-kicking ever seen in the EPL as we scraped to a two-zip win over the Newcastle Stripers.

Wayne Roonaldo grabbed two scores, but missed another nailed-on score so badly that he must have been more embarrassed than if he had been caught visiting an elderly "masseur". Not that that would ever happen, obviously. He has a girlfriend who he loves very much.

Park Ji-Sung was given a first-hand look at how the Newcastle Stripers barcode their jerseys for quick sales and was put on the roster, while Rude Nistelrooy was again left suited up on the sidelines as Lewis Saha got the start.

Roonaldo's first score came early in the first period when Stripers' Peter "Damage" Ramage played a perfect through-kick to him and he sent a wonderful french fry over goaltender Che Guevan.

Then, just four minutes later, Jono Shea bullied female midfielder Em Ray by snapping at her bra strap and once he'd stolen the soccerball, he bobbled a kick to Roonaldo who finished with a plum (which must be the same as a brace).

In a magnificent first-half performance, Roonaldo also found time to kick the ball so hard into Gary Neville's face that it almost knocked him out. I'd heard that all people from northern town Liverpool hate Neville and I suppose old habits die hard for Wayne.

Then came Sir Fergie's inspirational half-time teamtalk and after that we failed to score a single other score, having been dominant in field position for the entire first period. He clearly had the opposite effect that all good head coaches have.

We should have got the win by a wider margin, but the franchise was disillusioned and Roonaldo was the biggest waster. At one stage, he went around the goaltender and all he had to do was knock the ball into the unguarded score-zone, but he somehow managed to fire a kick at the vertical bar instead. Unbelievable!

London Chelseas join Manchester on Euro Series scrapheap

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 10:22:18 GMT

It was the eighth-final stage of the Euro Series yesterday afternoon and I for one was upset that Manchester weren't there. But then I was relieved, as we would have picked up a loss against every other team.

The Barca Loners reached the Round of Eight after a win over the London Chelseas, thanks to a top quality score by Ronaldo Inyo, a Brazilian recluse who was sectioned when people thought it was strange that he smiled so much.

Despite going out of the event, the Chelseas' head coach Jose Mourinho insisting that his franchise were not only the better on the night, but the best in the world and would have won, if only they had got more scores than the other franchise.

Tonight, the London Arsenals attempt to beat the Portuguese champion Realmadrid, having picked up a one-zip win two weeks ago in a game. They face eatch other again tonight, as that game was declared void after Arsene Wenger admitted he didn't see the Arsenals' score, so he didn't know if they won or not.

The Realmadrid GM Fernando Martin Fernando Jamon insisted "We will eat them tonight." And judging by the size of their offenser Ronaldo, he's already eaten a few other teams this season.

Wigan Warriors 1-2 Manchester

Tue, 07 Mar 2006 10:55:11 GMT

Manchester newboy Pascal Chimbonda kicked a late, late score in the last of the hurt addition minutes as we achieved a come-from-behind win over the Wigan Warriors.

The French offenser played against us in the Carl Ing Tribute Bowl Championship game, but made the long move south during the week. He celebrated with the go-ahead score with just seconds on the clock, after Cristiano Roonaldo had hit the vertical bar.

Rude Nistelrooy must be terrified. Not only has he sunk below Lewis Saha in the depth chart, but now Chimbonda has put himself in pole position to partner Wayne Roonaldo in attack.

Wigan showed great hussle in the game, far more than last week, and actually broke the zip-zip tie in the second period when Paul Sharner faucetted the soccerball past Eddie Vandersar.

Sir Fergie panicked and introduced Rude Nistelrooy from the sidelines and the offenser had an immediate impact, horribly mis-kicking straight into Cristiano Roonaldo's path for the wideout to slot into the score-zone.

And then came Chimbonda's late score to move us into an incredible second spot in the EPL standings. I can't wait to see him kick for us in our next game.

'Rude should play more like Fletcher'

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 14:52:06 GMT

Sir Fergie has to go! The Manchester head coach has told Rude Nistelrooy that the way he can improve is by copying Darren Fletcher!

That's a bit like telling Stevie Wonder that he'd make better at music if only he tried to be more like MC Hammer.

Rude is the number one ranked score-kicker in the EPL, having grabbed 22 scores already this series from a total of 27 yards. Yet Sir Fergie believes he would become a much better kicker if only he tried to be more like Fletcher, who has just one score to his name, fairly bad acne and runs like his feet are on fire.

Rude is likely to be left out of the starting roster for this afternoon's latest clash with the Wigan Warriors, this time in the EPL road game. I assume Fletcher will start with Wayne Roonaldo in offense, but Nistelrooy will remain suited up on the sidelines ready for action.

Team Britain storm on

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 11:10:32 GMT

Britain have shown why they are one of the favored national franchises for the World Cup Series after beating foreign team Uruguay in an nation-on-nation all-action exhibition. GO UK!

Peter Crouch notched a head-kick score high above a defenseman's head - despite the Liverpool Reds star having to duck down - before Joe Cole flicked the winning score a whole five minutes after the Two Minute Warning. The Uruguayers looked exhausted at the end and must have been very jetlagged, having flown all the way from their home in South Africa.

It was a great end to the game, as they released a go-behind score midway through the first period when Omar Pouso smashed a 32-yard floating air-kick score. It was the second exhibition game that Britain have got parallel and go-ahead scores late in the game, following their heroics against Argentinia last year.

Afterwards, Gary Neville said Britain's consistency will lead us to World Cup glory. The kind of consistency that sees them beat Argentina and Uruguay, but loses to Northern Ireland and Denmark. According to Gary, the London Arsenals are the model of conisistency that Britain is aiming for.

Elsewhere, Brazil got the win over Russia, although Ferdinand Rio admitted he had a very poor game. Meanwhile, my second franchise Team USA beat Poleland one-zip. The game was played with snow all over the place, so Rio might have enjoyed it more there.

Neville eyes London Chelseas trade

Wed, 01 Mar 2006 12:13:27 GMT

What a disaster! Gary Neville has admitted he wants to be drafted by the London Chelseas.

The Manchester defensive captain enjoyed winning the Carl Ing Tribute Cup Bowl so much that he has set his sights on finally winning the EPL title. And we all know that means only one thing... he has to make the short move to the London Chelseas.

He said: "If I stay here for three, four or five more years and we did not win the league, I would definitely have to say that the end of my career was a failure."

So despite the current EPL champion franchise being based right on a bridge, their lure is far, far more than Manchester's. Already this week, we saw that Michael B*****ks has decided on a trade to the Chelseas instead of us and now they are taking our most loyal kicker.

Neville also revealed he is considering a lifestyle change, as possibly revealed in British newstabloid the News of the World, when he added: "We have talent in the dressing room. We have shown spurts this season."

A Pennant!!! Manchester 4-0 Wigan Warriors

Mon, 27 Feb 2006 12:46:10 GMT

Manchester are the first pennant champions of 2006 after winning the Carl Ing Tribute Cup Bowl against the Wigan Warriors.

Wayne Roonaldo achieved two scores, his brother Cristiano got one and Lewis Saha's knee got the other as the Malcolm Glazer era in Manchester got off to the best possible start. After all, this is the first championship game we could possibly have won under the great man's leadership.

Surely, it is the final proof that the Glaz-meister has put Manchester on the map in the soccer world. No one had heard of us a year ago, but now we are the Carl Ing Tribute Cup champion!

It was the Wigan Warriors' first ever Bowl game and their kickers looked nervous, gifting the opening score to Wayne. Two Warriors' kickers, both with funny foreign names, ran into each other and left the soccerball for Wayne to tap past secondary goaltender John Filan.

That set us on our way, but I really feel this website went part of the way to us winning, as Sir Fergie finally cut Rude Nistelrooy and playing Saha instead. And the commentator claimed Saha repaid Sir Fergie's faith by grabbing the all-important second score, although it was probably one that Rude would have, coming off his knee from two yards out. In fact, Saha later called it a Rude Special - which ironically, is the name of the show that Wayne Roonaldo went to to celebrete the win.

Cristiano then got the third score, firing powerfully into the score-zone after one of the Warriors' defensemen had again given us possession of the soccerball and Wayne followed that with his second a couple of minutes later.

Rugby franchise the Wigan Warriors kept going and made attempts to make a comeback, but all their attempts ended up flying over the horizontal bar and, although they insisted that got them three points, the referee waved away their protests.

Then it was time for Manchester's defensive captain Gary Neville to lift the championship trophy. The whole roster celebrated, with Nemanja Vidic screaming about his greatest achievement, which seems a bit excessive, seeing he was only on the gridiron for 12 minutes in the entire competition.

The only kicker that wouldn't take part was Rude Nistelrooy, who was so upset about not making the roster that he stormed to the locker room. It looked like he would be demanding a trade, but Sir Fergie is hopeful that a few carrots later and everything will be OK again.

Liverpool Reds fans attack an ambulance

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 11:39:01 GMT

Manchester have slammed Liverpool Reds fans after they attacked the ambulance Alan Smith was in.

Smith suffered a horrific injury when his leg fell off in the FA Bowl game against Liverpool and he was being rushed to the glue factory when the Reds' fans started rocking the ambulance.

It is believed that the Liverpool Reds fans were attempting to steal the ambulance's hubcaps.

Afterwards, a Liverpool Reds fan spokesman insisted the people that did this aren't real Liverpool Reds fans. He went on to say that the real fans were already surrounding the Manchester bus, waiting to throw rocks at Gary Neville and making aeroplane movements.

They were also shouting to other Manchester fans: "You're going home in a flashing ambulance". Which is wrong. You go to hospital in an ambulance. They must have been getting it confused with a train.

Neville gets severe punishment

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 15:33:41 GMT

Gary Neville has been given a "jolly good telling off" by the Soccer Association after being found guilty of celebrating Manchester's win against the Liverpool Reds.

Neville was given the punishment of sitting on the naughty step for a whole hour to think about what he'd done. When Neville insisted that he hadn't done anything wrong, the SA stated that they "were not angry, just disappointed". He has also been fined 13 hours wages.

The defenseman is expected to get over his punishment in time for Manchester's Carl Ing Tribute Bowl against the Wigan Warriors on Sunday.

Sadly, Liverpool Reds fans had the last laugh as their win over us ended our hopes of winning the FA Bowl. The fans also taunted Neville throughout, calling him a philospher (Kant) and a humorous mallard (duckwit).

Liverpool Reds 1-0 Manchester

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 09:30:26 GMT

Manchester will not compete in the FA Bowl any more after picking up a loss to the Liverpool Reds in the Eighth Final.

The loss means that Manchester will have nothing to kick for after competing in the Carl Ing Tribute Bowl in the Western England town of Wales next week and the end of series DVD will come out before the beginning of March.

To be honest, this was just one step too far for us. We got lucky a couple of weeks ago against the Reds, getting the win inside the two-minute warning, but the top franchise in Europe were just too good for us at Ann's Field.

Obviously, it is all Sir Fergie's fault... the only score of the game came from one of the players I told him to draft: head-kick expert and former hat stand Peter Crouch. With just one head-kick, he managed to get a score, hit both vertical score-zone bars, knock Manchester out of the FA Bowl and make Gary Neville feel sick. That is an impressive head-kick.

To make matters worse for Manchester, it looks like we will be without Alan Smith for a long time. The middleman's right leg fell off when he blocked John Arne's riising drive and, although the doctors managed to pop it back on, he will be on the Injured Reserve until the glue sets.

It's really hard on the poor dude and it's just not fair. Why can't we get Darren Fletcher to block any hard kicks?

Glazer makes Manchester the second richest franchise!

Thu, 16 Feb 2006 11:09:53 GMT

Manchester are the second richest franchise in the world! Look how much of an effect Super Malcolm Glazer is having already!

Portuguese franchise Realmadrid have more money than anyone else, although that is expected to change when London Chelseas head coach Roman Abramovich searches for change down the back seat of his platinum-plated Bentley.

The fact that Realmadrid are richest shows that the Glaz-meister is getting the balance right. Being a successful soccer franchise isn't dependent on how many Bowl games you win - Realmadrid haven't got a single pennant for years. We've already got that bit down well.

The most important issue is simply about buying kickers that look pretty in their uniforms. Realmadid drafted David Beckham and he has sold so many shirts that a recent undiscovered primitive tribe in Papua New Guinea were all found wearing white jerseys with the number 23 on the back.

But Manchester are on the right path. Even our minor league franchise are in the top 20 richest franchises, purely by trading on the name Manchester. And if we add their money to our money, we are the richest joint-franchises in the world! Plus, if we add their number or wins to our number of wins, we are only a couple behind the London Chelseas!

Other rich franchises include Tott Nam, with crack middleman Jermaine Jenas and the London Arsenals, who have cracked the Asian market by trading for Singapore star Freddie Liung Berg.

Former owner backs the Glazers

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 12:35:46 GMT

Former Manchester owner Greg Dyke has backed the Glaz-meister's takeover of the franchise.

Dyke, who was forced to sell Manchester after becoming the General Director of the British Broadcasting Company (and therefore falling out with Sir Fergie), believes that Manchester is best in the hands of Super Malcolm Glazer and his three mini-mes.

Dyke, who is banned from the Netherlands after asking a young lady whether she wanted to stick her finger in a Dyke, is now in charge of the Brent Fords and said: "The Brent Fords is now owned by the fans, and actually I've come to the conclusion that that's the best thing for a football club."

Exactly! Have you seen how happy the Glazers are every time Manchester gets a score? They are the biggest fans in the world! Who else would be so committed to ensure that Manchester makes as much money as possible?

Pompeii Pompeys 1-3 Manchester

Sun, 12 Feb 2006 21:02:23 GMT

Cristiano Roonaldo proved that sometimes he can be better than his brother as he starred in a demolition win over the Pompeii Pompeys.

The English youngster was in splendid form kicking another two scores, meaning he has as many in seven games as he had in the entire series last year.

His first was a belter, from the 32.5-yard line, as he got the soccerball to swerve ferociously, thanks to the microclimate in the area caused by Mount Vesuvius.

His second was a rather easier effort, as he was given the freedom of Naples, taking time to see the sites and throw someone in the river with concrete shoes (hopefully Darren Fletcher) before firing into the score-zone.

Before all of that, Rude Nistelrooy got his standard one-yard effort, head-kicking home after Ryan Giggs had embarrassingly hit the horizontal bar despite the goaltender having a lie-down on the edge of the 18-yard zone.

But the Pompeys are extremely resilient and fought back well. Matt Taylor, who is their best kicker for coming from behind, head-kicked home from Wayne Routledge's powerful center after Park Ji-Sung ducked out of the way in case the ball hit him in the face and ruined his promising secondary career in a Beatles Tribute band. Maybe he didn't realise that Taylor plays for the other team.

Manchester down to one American!

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 15:15:53 GMT

Terrible news! Mega-American offenser Giuseppe Rossi has decided not to be American.

The super-scorer was given the opportunity of being a part of Team USA as we win the World Cup Bowl this summer, but he has declared that he wants to be drafted to the Italian national franchise instead.

Despite have a name as American as bombing an Arab State and despite being born in New Jersey, famous for the Metrostars and bodies being buried in the Hudson River, Rossi has decided that he doesn't fit in with the rest of the American roster. It must be because he is thin, humble and peaceful.

To train for Italian citizenship, he will have to use a lot more hair gel, wear really tight tops with brown shoes and be really sleazy with every waitress he sees.

This move means that Manchester are down to just one American super-star, non-roster goaltender Timmy Howard. Sir Fergie better do something about that quickly or Super Malcolm Glazer will get very, very angry.

Manchester deny stadium name change

Wed, 08 Feb 2006 11:53:54 GMT

Manchester have denied reports that they are due to change the name of their stadium.

British newspaper The Sun, which mixes news and sport with educational biological images on page three, reported that Super Malcolm Glazer wanted to make more money by selling the name of the stadium to the highest bidder, but this has been denied by the franchise.

And quite right too. You can't put a price on tradition. The Nike Trafford Ballpark shouldn't change its name for any amount of dollars.

Where's Sol-ly?

Tue, 07 Feb 2006 12:37:23 GMT

It's been a tough week for a Manchester fan, but it's been a far harder week if you're a London Arsenals fan (although I don't know why you would be).

Not only have they picked up losses against the Boltonians and Western Hammers in the last week, but they also have so many defensemen on the Injured Reserve that head-coach Arsene Wenger suited up and is in line to play in their next game.

Yet despite their lack of kickers in the defensive line, Britain megastar Sol Campbell (who seems to be be becoming more mega every time I see him) went missing after suffering from personal problems

No one knew where he was for a while. Someone said they saw him in St Giles' Passage, but he was later found to have gone to Windsor for a couple of days to spend time with a Queen.

Wenger is especially concerned by the whole situation and his fears may be realised as there are rumours that when he returns, he will be playing for the other team.

Manchester 4-2 Fulham Fayeds

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 08:32:03 GMT

Manchester closed to within just 5.5 games of the London Chelseas after a nervy victory over the Fulham Fayeds.

Ji-Sung Park got the first score, cleverly kicking the ball off Stars and Stripes Superstar Carlos Bocanegra and into the bottom corner.

Cristiano Roonaldo then got a second with another cunning piece of skill. After getting a 25-yard kick-ball punishment, he sneakily swapped the leather soccerball with a plastic one that he got from the local gas station and when he kicked it, it swerved so much in the wind that Fayeds' goaltender Anti Niemi got bored following it's path and just allowed it to go into the score-zone.

The Fulham Fayeds got back into the game as Star-Spangled-Banner score-machine Brian McBride head-kicked home, but their comeback only lasted a couple of minutes as Lewis Saha swept home a kick that Rude Nistelrooy had had batted away.

Fulham Fayeds' head coach Chris Coleman was livid with the score, complaining that Nistelrooy had been offside by 17 yards, and he complained so much that he was ejected from the game. But to be honest, I think that helped the Fayeds, as Coleman is ancient and I don't understand why he was on the field anyway! We could have scored loads more if he was still playing, but they tightened up once he went off.

And indeed, still before the half-time show - which no doubt featured Paul McCartney singing his classic song "Hey Rude" with his nipple hanging out - the Fayeds got another score back, as Heidar Helguson snuck a head-kick past Eddie Vandersar.

That was how it stayed until inside the two-minute warning when the Fayeds started to tire - not surprising considering their long trip from Egypt to play here - and Roonaldo made sure of the win with his second score, driving a ferocious kick in off the vertical metalwork.

Blackburn Pyros 4-3 Manchester

Thu, 02 Feb 2006 15:11:20 GMT

Manchester succumbed to an expected loss against the Blackburn Pyros as former London Arsenals rookie David Bentley got himself a new hat.

The wideout kicked three scores - the first person to do that against Manchester since color was invented in the world and our uniform was a nice shade of grey (as was everyone elses). But Bentley's trio was all the more impressive when you consider the day before he had been given a life sentence at the Blackburn Pyros after picking up several ASBOs for wearing an obscene hairstyle in public.

Let's face it... after picking up a loss at the Nike Trafford Ballpark against the Pyros earlier this series, it's not entirely surprising that we did the same in the prison. Cristiano Roonaldo had an especially quiet game and seemed to be looking at the bars on the windows and shaking uncontrollably.

To make it worse, Ferdinand Rio samba-ed his way to two referee's yellow pieces of paper and will now add to our sizeable list of absentees. To make it worse, he did it deliberately, as the Carnival starts in Brazil soon and he now gets time off to go.

I don't know much about Bentley, but someone e-mailed me to say that he has the most inappropriate name in soccer. They said he should really be called David Escort XR3i.

So, anyway, Escort XR3i kicked two scores in the first-half, firstly getting the soccerball after Eddie Vandersar had dropped it, then when Rio and Vandersar saw their manners get the best of them and left it for each other.

In between Lewis Saha got his customary score, sliding the soccerball home after Mega-American magicman Brad Friedel had batted away Wayne Roonaldo's kick.

But Australian defenseman Neill Lucas got a 12-yard kick-ball infringement score after Wes Brown decided Vandersar was doing so badly that he should become goaltender for a while.

XR3i then got his hat from the franchise's megastore, before Rude Nistelrooy's double set up a frantic finish. We should have been chasing the paralleling score, but instead Ferdinand Rio, doing his best middleman impression of Roy Keano (ie. going a bit psycho) got himself ejected.

So a bad end to a terrible few days for Manchester. The only good thing that happened last night was that Rio's second yellow piece of paper resulted in Robbie Savage being carried off. No one seemed to mind about that.

Bad week for Manchester

Wed, 01 Feb 2006 11:10:03 GMT

It's been a bad couple of days for Manchester, following our FA Bowl game win over the Wolves Wolves.

First, midddleman Jon Obi Michael has insisted that he wants to be drafted by the London Chelseas instead of Manchester. He told the British Broadcasting Company: "Go to Manchester, I want not. To London Chelseas Obi wants to move."

It's a shame as the Nigerian was MVP in his African Nations Bowl game last week as his Niger national franchise got the win over Zimbabwee and there are rumors that he could be, if not the new Roy Keano, then at least the new Eric Djemba-Djemba.

Then it got worse for us as our next FA Bowl game will be against the Liverpool Reds, the world's second best franchise. We sneaked a win last week against them thanks to Ferdinand Rio's win-gaining head-kick inside the two-minute warning, but playing at Ann's Field will be far harder and I don't think we'll get any further.

And to top off a terrible week so far, Manchester have lost American wonderkid Kenny Cooper to the MLS. The offenser, dubbed "The Republican Roonaldo", was going to be the next big thing at the Nike Trafford Ballpark, but has decided that the future of soccer is back here in the States.

The Glaz-meister will be furious. First the world's top goaltender Timmy Howard is left on the sidelines, then Jonny Spector is traded to the Charlton Addicts. If it wasn't for Giuseppe Rossi, we wouldn't have any American kickers left at Manchester.

Wolves Wolves 0-3 Manchester

Mon, 30 Jan 2006 09:45:44 GMT

Manchester put in their best display of the series as we powered past the Wolves Wolves to reach the fifth/third round of the FA Bowl.

It was a game that was historic for a number of reasons for us. Firstly, Sir Fergie knew it was going to be such an easy game that he picked the starting roster by throwing a dice. So we had Ferdinand Rio as a middle-middleman (which is good as the further he is away from our own score-zone, the better it is for all of us), alongside Wayne Roonaldo.

Meanwhile, Vegas lover Keiron Richardson is clearly a craps player (sic) and got the right role of the dice, allowing him to kick in his correct position as a wide-out and because of it, he got two scores. Sir Fergie, this head coaching thing isn't rocket science... if you put kickers in their right position, they kick better. You'll never become the new Britain manager if you don't know something as basic as that.

He got the first just four minutes into the game, strolling on to a pass by a Wolves Wolves defenseman and stroking the soccerball into the score-zone so softly that the goaltender had a sitdown waiting for the ball to arrive and lost track of time, allowing it to dribble past him. The goaltender was a man called Stefan Postman and you could see why he is nicknamed "The Postman"... it's because he's so late all the time.

Then, when debut-rosterer Nemanja Vidic supplied a Boltonians-type kick, the Wolves Wolves defensemen were so static that the physio rushed on to the field with a defibrillator and Lewis Saha had all the time in the world to slot in Manchester's second score and after that, we were just playing to increase our goal ratio.

Now, I said the game was historic for two reasons - the second was that it saw Rude Nistelrooy get an assist for the first time in his four years at Manchester! He supplied a center - probably intentional - for Richardson to get his second in the second-half.

Maybe, Sir Fergie has stumbled upon a good idea in this game. Fill the field with defensemen and offensers. Middlemen are really only filler on the roster anyway. They don't stop scores and they don't get them, so what's the point? How about a formation of a goalkeeper, five defensemen and five offensers? Then we'll get lots of scores and our opponents won't get any.

Manchester 2-1 Blackburn Pyros

Thu, 26 Jan 2006 17:37:47 GMT

Manchseter are through to the Carl Ing Tribute Bowl Championship Game after battling past prison franchise Blackburn Pyros in the re-match.

We now go on to kick against the Cardiff Casseroles in Wales to for the chance to win the pennant! I can't believe we might end up with a pennant in my first full series as a Manchester fan - even if it's a pennant that no one else wants.

To be hoenst, it's just as well the Pyros didn't get through. Pop tells me Wales is actually a separate country (I always thought it was just a town in England) and the Pyros' warden won't let them cross national borders for fear they would escape.

We were in charge for most of the game as Rude Nistelrooy bundled us in front after only eight minutes. Michael Gray played a terrible backpass straight into his path and Nistelrooy simply kicked the ball home. Gray, I assume, is currently serving 15 years for soccer game-fixing.

Yet the Blackburn Pyros forced their way back into it as Steven Reid fired the soccerball low under Eddie Vandersar's body. All the goals against Manchester seem to come under his body. I can't help feeling we'd be better served by him if he just lay down on the ground across the score-zone.

Rude then had a great chance to put us back in a goal-advantage position when the referee gave us a controversial 12-yard kick-ball punishment - having previously been seen in deep talks with Michael Gray - but Rude saw his kick blocked by Mega-American goaltender Brad Friedel.

Luckily, we had Lewis Saha on the roster and he is so good that even when he mis-cues a kick, it still flies into the top corner of the score-zone. he fluffed his kick from Wayne Roonaldo's cross, but it was still perfect. He must be the most talented kicker around to do that!

That was enough to see us get to our first Championship game in living memory, which is so exciting! I feel this thing is really taking off under Super Malcolm Glazer. I reckon Manchester could become a major soccer franchise yet!

But it was all overshadowed by a flight during half-time when Ferdinand Rio and Robbie Savage came to blows discussing who has the nicest hair. For the record, the answer is that they were both losers.